It’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night and I’m lost.
It’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night and I’m frustrated.
it’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night and I can’t think straight.
It’s 10 PM on a Wednesday night and … I’m wondering how I got so attached to something so bad for me.
In my last post, I talked about starting a diary and I also mentioned that a particular section of my diary titled, “1 thing I ❤ about myself” was made to kind of counteract a list I had made a while ago called “Reasons why I hate myself.”
I never expected to talk about this on here, ever because although I am pretty open about a lot of things, there are still a few things that I believe are too personal to talk about. This is one of those things. I realized a few minutes before now that my mind was doing that thing where it couldn’t focus on anything, it was all jumbled and the only sure fire way to help myself was to write about it. So that’s what I’m doing.
When I wrote “reasons why I hate myself,” I was in a really dark place. Honestly the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life till date. It was a night just like this one; a bit chilly, lonely, isolated. The funny thing to me is that I don’t even remember the exact things that transpired that night to get me so low but I remember how it felt. I remember how it felt as if it were happening right now, replaying before my eyes. Without going into too much detail I’ll just suffice to say it was a very empty feeling. It was a long list. Let me give you an image to work with here. Imagine a page from one of those lined spiral binder books. The list filled front and back of that paper, leaving no space to spare. The last reason on my list? “The fact that I can even write this.”
Now, thank God I made it through the night and got to my counselor as soon as possible because we made a list of ways to combat the list together and I felt a lot better after our session, like I always do. Although, I can admit that I have only followed a select few things on our little list that we made, for reasons best known to me. She was going to throw away the “reasons why I hate myself” list but I stopped her and told her that I wanted to keep it, and she let me. I didn’t know at the time why I wanted to keep it so badly but now I think I have a good idea.
Ever since then that list has followed me everywhere I go. I’ve only read it about 3 times since April and I was just about to read it for the 4th time tonight. Before I did go to read it though, I thought to myself, “I should really throw this list away.” But almost immediately in defense, I replied back, “I can’t. I need it.” Now that had me thinking, So I needed it now? Every time I read that list it was because I was in a dark place and I felt depressed. Every time I was really low I’d read it and of course, it’d make me feel worse and then I’d cry harder. So why do I need it? It’s clearly not doing me any good. And yet, with the knowledge of that firmly in my mind I can’t bring myself to throw it away. I’ve had many things have a hold over me in my life but now, a piece of paper that I wrote to myself? Why?
I don’t want to forget. For some reason, I don’t want to forget all the reasons I hate myself even though day in and day out I’m working really hard to repair myself. After thinking about it for a while I realize that I’m feeding my depression, my insecurities, I’m feeding the darkness. I’ve gotten so comfortable being hurt and down that, I feel almost relief from inflicting pain on myself. I know I would never physically hurt myself intentionally but I’ve never thought of the idea of hurting myself emotionally but that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s easier for me to see now why all my self-care efforts seem futile and like I keep hitting a wall. I’m still holding on to all this pain and anger and hurt. I still haven’t let go of how much I’ve hurt myself, I still haven’t forgiven myself.
Woah! After that, I think Y’all need to take a breather cause I know I did. Writing is so therapeutic for me it’s really no wonder why I love it so much. It is now 10:53 and I just worked out this huge problem though writing and I owe it all to God for giving me such a good medium to express myself and my thoughts.
Throughout this whole writing process, I had one thing in the back of my mind and that was “after this I’m going to throw that paper away.” That was a done deal but one thing I was still thinking about was if I should go ahead and read the paper again one last time. Trust me, I was very tempted, but no, I refuse to give myself the twisted satisfaction. Besides, I’m sure that if I look deep enough every single word is branded into my memory. Below is proof of the destroyed list:
And no, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow searching through the trash for the little pieces to glue them back together like some lady that’s in really bad need of her daily fix. At least I hope not.
It is now 11:09 and I just came back from throwing the shreds into the trash. So how do I feel you ask? I don’t feel anything. I definitely don’t feel better and I didn’t expect to. Actually forgiving myself is not going to just magically happen because I threw a piece of paper away and I get that, but I must say that it doesn’t hurt. It really doesn’t. I may not feel awesome about throwing away the list but I definitely don’t feel worse so I guess that’s ok for right now.
Every day I learn and I grow in my pursuit of self-love. There are good days, there are bad days and there are days where I really feel like giving up is the only option but because of moments like these where I can still push through, even when things are bleak, and find hope glistening in the darkness. Because of times like this where I’m able to receive blow after blow after blow and still keep standing, and be hopeful for a better tomorrow, because of this, I don’t think I’ll ever stop fighting to see that silver lining.
Well, thank you guys for sticking around and reading this and basically going through this short journey with me. See you in another post soon Xx.