The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another
It’s the second month of 2018 and with my birthday coming up, I want to reflect a bit. If I had one word to describe my year so far, it would be, busy. I am busier than I’ve ever been. With academics, with doctors appointments, with small events and with life itself. If this was last year, I would be using all the usual tricks to get myself through all this shit like compartmentalizing, repressing, avoiding. But none of the usual tricks work this time around.
When I started the year, I set goals and in a short time, because of my willingness to reach those goals, I have changed. Old shit that used to work for me just doesn’t work anymore. I was depressed for most of my first-year in uni and all of second year. How is it that my third year, the happiest and most content I’ve been in a while seems like the most difficult one so far. Don’t get me wrong, being depressed sure as hell isn’t dancing on rainbows but it was comfortable. As much as it sickens me to say, I was used to it. Not in the, “I’ve given up come and get me” way, but in the, “alright this isn’t my first go around’ way. Now though, I’m so out of my element I don’t know how to feel.
On top of piling school work and stress, I have to stress about getting a job, graduating from here and starting my career. I have to stress about spiritual conflicts that plague my mind daily. I have to stress about feelings that I really have zero idea how to handle because whoop de doo compartmentalizing doesn’t work for me anymore. All these things are taking turns pushing and pulling me in all directions, leaving me gasping for air. I’m frustrated? That’s a hell of an understatement.
“I’m out of my element”
My element is my coping mechanisms. Because of what I’m striving for, the triplets (compartmentalization, repression and avoidance) don’t fit anymore. I’m evolving, slowly. So slow I can feel it in my bones; in every step I take, every move I make towards something different. I am in transition. Look, this is the longest transition I’ve ever gone through, and that’s because I am aware of it. The triplets no longer numb my mind and now I can see the process for what it is, tedious and uncomfortable. I don’t think I’ve felt this anxious and restless before. It’s like there’s something just beyond my reach … And the waiting, is torture.